Modern Love: Building Healthy Relationships
Love, in all its forms, defines much of our existence. Relationships—whether with partners, family, children, or friends—shape our experiences, our growth, and, often, our sense of self. But when we dig deeper, we realize that most relationships, particularly the ones we choose, are intricately tied to something more profound: our beginnings.
The Roots of Our Choices
It’s uncomfortable to admit, but our relationships are often shaped by how we were parented. Not in an intentional, conscious way, but in the gaps and impressions left from those early years. When we seek love, we’re often searching for what feels familiar—or for something to fill a perceived void.
Think of it like Swiss cheese. No one’s childhood is without its holes. For some, the gaps are small and manageable. For others, they’re cavernous. And when we meet someone who ignites something in us, it’s often because they awaken a part of us that craves completion.
From Awakening to Burden
In the beginning, relationships feel magical, even invincible. We feel seen, alive, whole. But over time, our expectations often shift. We may start asking our partner—whether consciously or not—to fill the voids we carry: Make me feel safe. Make me feel whole. Heal the parts of me that were neglected.
The challenge? The person on the other side is carrying their own gaps, their own version of “Swiss cheesiness.” And they likely didn’t sign up to complete us. They entered the relationship to share life, to enjoy companionship—not to play therapist or savior.
Breaking the Cycle
So, how do we stop putting impossible expectations on others? How do we build relationships that are healthy, balanced, and rooted in mutual respect? The answer lies within: we must grieve what we didn’t receive in our formative years.
This isn’t about blaming our parents or clinging to sadness. It’s about acknowledging the ways we felt unseen, unsafe, or incomplete. For some, this means reckoning with a lack of nurture. For others, it means coming to terms with impossibly high standards set by “perfect” parents. Either way, our first experience of love—parental or otherwise—sets the template we subconsciously try to replicate in adulthood.
Turning Inward
Spiritual seekers know this truth: the answer isn’t “out there.” It’s within. Healing begins with sitting in stillness, not to wallow in longing but to gently be present with it. Meditation can be a powerful tool to hold space for these emotions, to process what was missing, and to begin the slow journey of self-healing.
The goal is not to erase those gaps but to learn how to hold them with compassion. Over time, we can begin giving ourselves what we once sought from others.
Awakening, Not Completing
Healthy relationships don’t complete us—they awaken us. Just as a gazing point in meditation reflects our inner steadiness, a partner, friend, or loved one reflects something profound within us. Their role is not to fill the void but to illuminate the stillness and wholeness we already possess.
Modern love isn’t about finding someone to fix us. It’s about two people, each holding their own imperfections, coming together to share life—not to heal each other but to grow alongside one another. In this, love becomes not just a feeling but a practice—one rooted in self-awareness, mutual respect, and a deep appreciation for the beauty of being human.
